Dear Walmart,

I know l don't say this as much as I should ... but ... I love you.  And I want you in my life forever.  I know girls come and go.  I know friendships come and go.  But Walmart, I want you to be my wife.  I love everything about you.  I love the way your low-prices make me feel.  Not only that — the quality of your merchandise is top-of-the-line as well.

Let's just have a look at your Cream Cheese Icing Cinnamon Rolls (fresh from your bakery).



I mean, just look at all that extra icing!  You get a box of 4 for just $3!  If you go to the "fancy" cinnamon bun store, you pay that much for just one cinnamon roll!

And I just wanna say how much I appreciate your Great Value brand.  Insecure humans are seduced into paying extra for "name brands," but we have a secret.  Don't we, my beautiful Walmart?



That's right.  We can get the same items and save money!  We can use the extra money to go on romantic dates.

The Great Value brand Cinnamon Crunch, Frosted Flakes, Fruity Sparkles, and Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips taste exactly the same as those expensive name brand items.

And that's why I love you, Walmart.  You know how to use your head.  Your sense of self-worth doesn't come from trying to "keep up with the Kardashians."  You're smart enough to understand that "name brands" are just a marketing ploy to take advantage of insecure (or ignorant) humans.  Walmart, you ain't no diva — and I love that about you.

Walmart, I love how I can come to you for everything.  Whatever I need — you're always there for me.  24 hours a day.  That's why I want you to be my wife, Walmart.

If I want to rent a movie, your Redbox machine has what I need.  If I want to read a book, I can grab one from your collection.  If I need to change my oil, I can come see you for the supplies.

Whereas, human beings can let you down or break your heart, I've never experienced that from you.  I can't recall ever being disappointed by you, Walmart.  Your doors are always open, and you give me the freedom to come and go as I please, with full confidence that I'll be back soon.

Not to mention, you're always full of pretty women, and you don't get jealous if I accidentally (on purpose) happen to look at one!  You love me just as I am.

Again, I know I don't say it enough, Walmart ... but ... I love you.  I love you long time.  Be my Valentine.  You will be mine.  Forever.

Just pick out a ring from your jewelry department, and let's take this relationship to the next level.

Love always,

Brandon