"How Are You" Has Become a Cheap Hooker
I'm not excited about this post, but I feel compelled to write it. It may come across as cynical, semi-mean, or insensitive. But I think it addresses an important issue, so I'm going to move forward.
This begins my quest to eliminate the question "How are you?!"
Generally speaking, this question has become a generic "conversation opener." And it does a great job serving that purpose. But for the most part, neither party usually expresses the truth regarding "how they're doing."
They don't say things like, "Well, I've been dealing with a lot of doubt lately. I think my husband is having an affair, and I'm worried about how this could affect our kids." Nor do they say, "I think my son is using drugs, and I don't feel like I can reach him — now I feel helpless."
Humans typically (as if on auto-pilot) spit out something like, "I'm great!" or "Things are wonderful!" Then they'll counter with, "How are you?!"
To which, the other party will auto-respond in the same manner: "I'm good ... I'm good."
Please understand, I really don't want to sound like a sourpuss here, I just want to encourage people to eliminate the "phoniness" in their lives. There's a better way to go about "opening" a conversation.
Try the following, in place of "How are you?"
"Tell me something that you find interesting about your life lately."
That statement eliminates phoniness.
In addition, the statement above eliminates the need for the other person to "tell white lies" by saying that they're "doing great," when the opposite may be true. It's also an easy way to open a conversation — and get the other person talking. Humans love to talk about themselves — especially in the areas of their expertise. And who's not an expert on the "interesting" elements of their own lives?
For the past two weeks, when someone throws me the old "How are you?!" I've offered the same response (with a straight face):
"I'm miserable. And I think I'm gonna kill myself."
I hold the straight-face until they respond.
After they respond, I tell them about my mission to destroy the expression "How are you?!" I tell them it has become "conversation fast-food," and invite them to consider eliminating the question from their vocabulary. I also tell them that I'm not miserable or suicidal; it was just a response intended to jolt them out of their pre-conditioned patterns. :]
If you're not really interested in the lives of your fellow humans, don't ask them "How are you?" as they get on the elevator. Just say, "Good morning," or "Good afternoon."
Humans have disgraced the question "How are you?" by using it like a cheap hooker. They use it as they're passing complete strangers. But what if that person decided to stop and tell you how they were really doing. Would you actually stand there and listen (with compassion)?
Probably not. Most humans in 2009 are "too busy."
The point of today's post is to reawaken humans in regards to cultivating genuine empathy and compassion. If you're not genuinely interested in how a fellow human "is doing," don't ask.
Choose a better question or statement — one that aligns with truth.
This begins my quest to eliminate the question "How are you?!"
Generally speaking, this question has become a generic "conversation opener." And it does a great job serving that purpose. But for the most part, neither party usually expresses the truth regarding "how they're doing."
They don't say things like, "Well, I've been dealing with a lot of doubt lately. I think my husband is having an affair, and I'm worried about how this could affect our kids." Nor do they say, "I think my son is using drugs, and I don't feel like I can reach him — now I feel helpless."
Humans typically (as if on auto-pilot) spit out something like, "I'm great!" or "Things are wonderful!" Then they'll counter with, "How are you?!"
To which, the other party will auto-respond in the same manner: "I'm good ... I'm good."
Please understand, I really don't want to sound like a sourpuss here, I just want to encourage people to eliminate the "phoniness" in their lives. There's a better way to go about "opening" a conversation.
Try the following, in place of "How are you?"
"Tell me something that you find interesting about your life lately."
That statement eliminates phoniness.
In addition, the statement above eliminates the need for the other person to "tell white lies" by saying that they're "doing great," when the opposite may be true. It's also an easy way to open a conversation — and get the other person talking. Humans love to talk about themselves — especially in the areas of their expertise. And who's not an expert on the "interesting" elements of their own lives?
For the past two weeks, when someone throws me the old "How are you?!" I've offered the same response (with a straight face):
"I'm miserable. And I think I'm gonna kill myself."
I hold the straight-face until they respond.
After they respond, I tell them about my mission to destroy the expression "How are you?!" I tell them it has become "conversation fast-food," and invite them to consider eliminating the question from their vocabulary. I also tell them that I'm not miserable or suicidal; it was just a response intended to jolt them out of their pre-conditioned patterns. :]
If you're not really interested in the lives of your fellow humans, don't ask them "How are you?" as they get on the elevator. Just say, "Good morning," or "Good afternoon."
Humans have disgraced the question "How are you?" by using it like a cheap hooker. They use it as they're passing complete strangers. But what if that person decided to stop and tell you how they were really doing. Would you actually stand there and listen (with compassion)?
Probably not. Most humans in 2009 are "too busy."
The point of today's post is to reawaken humans in regards to cultivating genuine empathy and compassion. If you're not genuinely interested in how a fellow human "is doing," don't ask.
Choose a better question or statement — one that aligns with truth.
Posted by Brandon Merhout aka NN at 11/2/2009 5:06 PM 
Categories: Relationships, Random
Tags: cultivating empathy eliminating selfish habits
Categories: Relationships, Random
Tags: cultivating empathy eliminating selfish habits
I know what you mean, it's one of those social habits that's on auto-pilot... Here in Australia we tend to say "gidday!" (aussie slang for good day) which seems to side-step that whole thing. Maybe we need to get a little more of that "aussie" attitude out there in the world! lol
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I mean, I know the intention (in most cases) is good ... but I just think it needs to be extracted from the American experience.
I like the whole "Good day, mate" expression much better. :]
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I really resonate with what you're saying - ironically though, my approach has been a little different.
Like you, I became disillusioned with the lack of emotional connection offered by our typical social norms, and especially the "How are you?" question.
However, instead of changing the question, I've done two things:
(1) Change the tone I ask with, and use genuine facial expression to demonstrate authentic interest in their response.
This pattern interrupt challenges people to actually think about the question, and often, people actually share with me.
You'd be amazed how much I know about several of the employees at Whole Foods.
(2) When people ask me the question, I make a conscious effort to respond honestly... whether I'm sick, feeling down, happy, excited, whatever.
And you'd be amazed at what the checkers at Whole Foods know about me, now.
So while I totally agree with the intent of your post, and the recommendation is an awesome one - I'd just like to offer some insight that it isn't always about the words, but rather, how we communicate them.
After all, I heard some random statistic that the majority of our communication is non-verbal anyway.
-Chris
http://twitter.com/ChrisCade
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Hey Chris,
I like what you've said. It's all about getting back to honesty.
After I wrote this blog, I felt like an insensitive jerk ... and expressed that in the following blog. :]
Which actually added validity to my expressions in this blog ... about "keeping it real."
Godspeed, my friend.
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I appreciate your point, but you could have made it a vastly different way. If you had said that to me, I'd have fallen to pieces crying. Then again I lost my brother to suicide. You might want to think about saying stuff about being suicidal flippantly in the future.
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Hey, Brandon,
I so agree with your post. Not only is has it become a canned question, but there is typically a canned response. They ask: "How are you?" We answer: "Fine." That's pretty much how it goes probably 80% of the time.
Years ago, I made three changes when it comes to the question "How are you?"
1. Instead of the stand "Fine", I started answering honestly, most of the time.
2. I stopped asking in reply if I didn't genuinely care (or choose to take the time) to hear the response.
3. When I do ask, I now physically stop and look at the person to await their reply.
I have an idea for a coaching program based on this very subject. I don't know about you, but I'm working on creating a life that is so interesting and contagious that folks won't be able to help themselves but stop and listen when they ask "How are you doing?"
Keep on keepin' it real!
Shannon
Founder & Trailblazing RealGirl
Girls Get Real
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Whoa! This is like a slap in the face (in a good way if there is such a thing
I think this is so true. Too many people ask the question but never stand around the even hear the answer of how they truly are doing. Getting rid of the fake is the only way to know the real truth.
Hahaha, I do think it's funny that you told them you were "miserable and gonna kill yourself". You probably freaked out every person you did that to. haha Many blessings to you, Brandon!
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